Welcome to the Pity Party

GoFundMe: https://gofund.me/237fe3716 

It’s been a rough few years, but I’ve managed to keep it together until now. Everything is crumbling around me despite how hard I’ve tried. If you listen to my ex-best friend, I haven’t done enough and somehow let this happen. Continue reading, and you be the judge.

After putting myself through college and spending over a decade building my career in software development, 4 layoffs in 6 years have brought me to my knees. 

The first layoff was due to the parent company of the subsidiary I worked for selling the company to a competitor. How the company handled the layoff was shitty, but I understood why I ended up on the chopping block from a business perspective. The sale became official while I was out on short-term disability due to a mental health crisis. Tinder date gone wrong, spent 4 hours with a psychopath. Pretty sure I encountered a serial rapist well on his way to becoming a serial killer if he wasn’t already. I thought for sure I was dead. What’s worse, the trauma unlocked Pandora’s box of childhood trauma, so I broke. After spending a week in a psych ward, my psychiatrist ordered me to take 2 months off from work. I was laid off the day I returned. 

Thankfully, it only took me 3 months to find something else, which seemed like a dream job. Not only did I find a job at another well-known company, but they also paid for my move from Atlanta to Boston. I’ve always wanted to escape the south and fell in love with Boston when they flew me up to interview. I was super excited. 

I only lasted 9 months. Turns out the project they hired me for was already pretty much done. I spent maybe a month helping them finish up before they literally didn’t know what to do with me. So I spent the next 8 months essentially as a floater, coming up with my own suggestions for things I could work on or help with. Management was completely clueless. I never got a team. That whole experience ended up being awful. I loved Boston, Boston did NOT love me. 

When I lost that job, I was incredibly burned out. Work and personal were both pretty shitty at that point. Everything about Boston was WAY more expensive than I anticipated. The move cost almost $10,000 more than expected, so I had to use savings to cover the extra. Utilities were about double what my moving coordinator with the company estimated. I even had to pay about $25 a day just to drive to work and park.  Even though my salary was the highest I’ve had to this day, I was still living paycheck to paycheck for the most part. There was no way I’d last long unemployed, so I made the difficult decision to move back to Florida (where I lived before moving to Atlanta) and stay with my Dad while I got back on my feet.

I thought staying with my Dad would be a reprieve. He wasn’t around during my childhood. We reconnected a few years prior, so I viewed it as a way to finally get to know him. Boy, was I wrong. It was all around a horrible experience. He had his own mental health demons and was drinking himself into an early grave. And boy was he an angry drunk. I stayed with him for about 6 months while I found a job and saved up enough money to leave. He died not long after. 

The job I found this time was with a small development agency. I thought I’d finally found a work home. The team was amazing for the most part, and I didn’t feel like just another cog in an infinite number of wheels like I did at the big corporations. They did a much better job at hiding the toxicity than corporate does. What I originally thought was a genuine appreciation for my knowledge and hard work turned into them seriously taking advantage of me. They just kept piling more and more onto my workload. So much so, at one point, I had 3 high-profile projects of my own, while mentoring others on their projects, helping with sales, defining processes, etc. When I went to the owners and asked to reduce my workload, they’d say all the right things but never actually did anything. Master manipulators. It was the most stressful and burned-out I’ve ever been with a job. They laid me off after 2 and a half years when I put my foot down and tried to establish reasonable boundaries for my own sanity. 

Afterward, I assumed the job search would go how it usually does, and it would only take 2-3 months of looking to find something. At this point, I was super over software development and how toxic it is, so I decided to take a month and see how far I could get with a business idea I’d been working on. The idea is a new business model in a market that’s expensive to get into. In order to do anything with it, I’d either need to be independently wealthy or find investors. I knew finding investors was a long shot, but I figured it was worth a try. I primarily focused on folks in my local area because it’s a very local, community-centered business. It only took going to one local convention for entrepreneurs and investors for me to decide to put the idea on hold. Everyone I discussed the idea with got immediately excited. I may have even been able to continue working those connections to get investment money. However, the misogyny was palpable. Surprised when I had intelligent answers to questions. Mildly offended when I challenged their assumptions. I’d rather not start the business than get stuck in yet another toxic environment. 

I’d already been applying for jobs that didn’t sound terrible, but started looking in earnest when I put the business idea on hold. That’s when reality started setting in. The job market was very different this time. I wasn’t getting responses like I was used to. And the scams…so many scams. I was starting to panic when a friend of mine referred me to a company she’d just started working for. It was an analytics company that supposedly helped identify medical insurance fraud. I got the job, but the relief didn’t last long. The company was the shadiest, most unethical one I’d ever seen, which is saying something. As someone who’s neurospicy, I seriously struggled in that environment. I was explicitly told not to document things. Concerns over how HIPAA-related data was handled were completely dismissed, even by their compliance officer. I’m talking major security vulnerabilities. They hired 4 people around the same time as me, and we all had concerns. We felt like we were being set up as the fall guys if shit hit the fan with a data breach. About 2 months in, they randomly fired all the new people except me. Cancelled their contracts without warning. The conversation I had with my boss when he called to let me know is quite possibly one of the worst conversations I’ve ever had with a manager. I didn’t think it was possible to be sexually harassed in a remote job. A running joke on my team was that our manager had the hots for me despite being married. I always blew them off and didn’t think much of it. Until that phone call, where he made it very clear that he “saved” me and expected the favor to be returned. Disgustingly flirty and got upset when I didn’t want to hang out and get drunk with him over Google Meet. I lasted long enough to gather as much evidence as I could of all the shit they were doing, then I quit. Everything I’d read online about filing workplace harassment lawsuits made it seem like we had a great case. Multiple witnesses willing to testify, tons of documentation, seemed like a no-brainer. Except every lawyer I consulted with said the same thing. We had a strong case, but the company was too small. Turns out, lawyers shy away from small companies regardless of how strong the case is. I learned small companies typically don’t have enough money to settle cases, so they hire the shadiest of lawyers whose goal is to drag the case out in court as long as possible. So, unless you already have an abundance of money to pay a lawyer that whole time, they won’t take the case because it ends up not being worth the effort. They’ll only take cases against large companies with deep pockets willing to settle quickly out of court to make it go away. 

Afterward, I was pretty lost. I still wasn’t getting responses to applications, and it was obvious the career I’d worked so hard for was going up in flames. I started looking for other ways to make money. I decided to invest a little bit of money into starting a mobile notary business. I’ve always wanted to start a business of my own, and it was something cheap to get started. Seemed like a no-brainer and gave me something to hold onto while the rest of my world was crumbling. It was a complete failure. Mostly because I’d lost all confidence in myself at that point. In order to get clients, I had to go to lawyers’ offices and market myself. While none of the interactions I had were bad, my anxiety was terrible. I also underestimated how reluctant people would be to use a website for booking instead of having to call every time. Having a website with a fully functioning booking system was a foreign concept to them. I wrongfully assumed everyone would be impressed with the site and how easy it was to use. None of the notaries in my area had anything even remotely like it. Most of their sites were terrible, or they didn’t even have one. Instead, people were confused. They liked me well enough, but didn’t know what to make of how different I was, and I didn’t have the confidence to sell them on being the future of notary. The best thing that came of ouf it was the laser printer I got for printing documents. Best printer ever. I regretted the purchase initially since being a notary didn’t work out, but it’s absolutely paid for itself in the years since. 

I even tried selling feet pics on feetfinder.com. I’ve always been super open with all things sex related, so I tried to think about it as just a hilarious thing to do. I’ve been told I have nice feet, so I figured, why not?  The problem is, the whole thing gave me the ick. It’s hard to explain, but it triggered something. Even though I barely got any profile views and don’t remember anyone even messaging me, I couldn’t handle it. I deleted my profile after a week or two. 

I started doing DoorDash, which helped me limp along financially. I signed up for Lyft as well, but never actually tried it. My car is a safe space for a lot of reasons, but we don’t have time for me to get into it right now. I couldn’t get over the anxiety of inviting strangers into my safe space who could potentially ruin its safety. I have serious trust issues. 

The worst part of this whole period of unemployment was when I decided to give restaurant management a try again. My first job was at Papa John’s. Started when I was 15, went through management training at 18, was offered my own store at 19, but turned it down because I didn’t want to quit college. I enjoyed managing there, but I didn’t want it to be my career. I had other restaurant experience too, from back in the day, and have fond memories of it for the most part. So I figured I’d give it a try. Plus, my son was seriously considering becoming a chef at the time, so I thought getting back into the business would help him as well. I was seriously mistaken. I got a management job at Waffle House. I was honestly excited at first and optimistic about the career change. They have one of the most impressive interview processes I’ve ever experienced. No joke. Organizationally speaking, they’re on top of their shit. The pay was a huge cut from where I was, but I was happy to have a steady income at that point. What I struggled with the most was the environment and overall life change. I didn’t anticipate how bad my anxiety would be in a busy public space. I’d been working from home for years at this point. Sheltered in my safe space. On the one hand, I enjoyed the new challenge. The work itself was oddly satisfying, despite the anxiety of learning the grill during a rush or worrying I didn’t translate a customer’s order correctly into the Waffle House lingo. However, after a few weeks, the anxiety continued to climb. I started taking bathroom breaks just so I could ground myself and fend off a panic attack. The last time my anxiety was that bad was right after the horrible Tinder date. One of my triggers since then is the sound of silverware rattling and kitchen knives. You may be wondering why the fuck I ever thought working in a place surrounded by those things was a good idea. I honestly didn’t think about it. I’d done a lot of work over the years desensitizing myself to it at home. Can’t exactly expect my kid to do the dishes all the time just because Mom may have a panic attack. Doing the dishes at home now is kinda like nails on a chalkboard. I don’t like the sound, but it doesn’t have much of an impact. At Waffle House, that wasn’t the case. I’ve had tinnitus for as long as I can remember, so I’m usually pretty good at tuning out sounds. The main thing I remember about working there is the sound, how insanely loud the silverware was. Every day felt like my own personal horror movie. I started having flashbacks of the horrible Tinder date, along with childhood flashbacks. I couldn’t get it out of my head. A slight touch from a coworker on my back just to let me know they’re crossing behind would make me jump. It got so bad that I stepped down from the management training program. I didn’t want to waste any more of their time, knowing there was no way I could work there long term. Talk about feeling like a worthless failure. I hadn’t been that low in a long time. 

After wallowing in self-pity for a bit, I realized I had to figure something out or else I would lose everything. Losing my son scared me the most. A couple of years prior, I won full custody of my son and forced his dad to give up all decision-making rights. It’s a long story, but my son had been living with him for a few years and decided to move back in with me. His dad didn’t take the decision well, kicked my son out, and threatened to shoot me when I came to pick him up. Even though we’d been no contact for a while, I worried that if his dad found out about my situation, he’d take me back to court. Not out of concern for our son’s welfare. With him, it’s all about beating me, and my son is just a pawn in his game. I wasn’t about to let him go back to an abusive household, so I got my shit together the best I could.

I was doing DoorDash and applying like crazy, but was still struggling to get interviews. The only other thing I could think of to try was selling baked goods at the farmer’s market. Once upon a time, I considered going to culinary school to become a pastry chef. I’ve always enjoyed baking. When I got the idea, I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t thought of it sooner. I didn’t expect to make much money at the market, but it was better than nothing. It gave me something fun and positive to focus on, too, which I desperately needed. This is where the printer for the failed notary business came in really handy. I was able to print most things myself, which saved a ton of money. I also already had most of everything I needed for a market booth. I handmade signs, bought super cheap decor from Goodwill, and threw together the first iteration of MadBatter Bakery & Brews for about $50. Statistically speaking, the first market went well. I made a profit, but it was less than I thought it would be, even with me not expecting miracles. 

Then a miracle really did happen. I got a job! It was only a 6-month contract, but I bawled my eyes out when I got the offer letter. So much relief. The long 6 months of unemployment were finally coming to an end. Even though it was only a temporary contract, it was nice being able to breathe a little. Except once again, the excitement didn’t last long. While reading the contract, I realized I was being treated like a large company, not an independent contractor. All sorts of verbiage you don’t normally see in a contract. The biggest issue, they paid on a net 90, meaning I wouldn’t get my first check for 3 fucking months. According to my new boss, that’s how they handled all contractors regardless of size, no exceptions. There I was, gainfully employed but still on the verge of losing our house and my car. Talk about feeling like you can’t win for losing. I’m sure my landlord thought I was pulling excuses out of my ass at that point. I seriously must have been Hitler or some other horrible human in a past life where the karma is so bad it’s spanning across the multiverse. I had to continue doing DoorDash and the farmer’s market while onboarding as quickly as possible for the new job because I found out my new boss was going out on maternity leave, and I was handling her projects while she was out. I was exhausted and still panicking over finances. 

Especially when I got notified that my landlord was going to proceed with eviction if I didn’t get caught up on rent. I thought we were doomed. Until one of the craziest things happened. An ex-coworker put me in touch with a wealthy family who she thought might be willing to take pity on me. And they did. I couldn’t believe it. I still struggle believing it. But I shit you not, a stranger got my car payment and rent caught up. She wouldn’t even accept anything I offered to help with in return. Zero strings attached. Granted, I’m aware the few thousand dollars she spent is pennies to her, but I’m not used to people being that kind without expecting something in return. 

I managed to get payroll to make an exception and pay me early twice, then they started ghosting me. Money stayed super tight until I hit the 90-day mark and the regular paychecks started. Things got even better when, shortly after, they offered to end my contract early in favor of making me a real employee. Apparently, I made a great impression on everyone with how I handled the chaos while my boss was out. I was thrilled and accepted immediately. 

Life went back to normal. I had renewed hope that maybe my software development career wasn’t over. I was feeling pretty good about things. So much so, I did something I never thought I would. I went to the doctor without being sick. Going to the doc makes me extremely anxious for reasons we don’t have time for here. I only go if I’m dying or absolutely have to. But the company had great insurance, and since I’m getting older, I figured it was time to get things checked out, make sure I’m healthy, and see about trying medication again for the anxiety. I ended up not getting far on that journey after running into some trust issues with the doc, and even she admitted that, with how bad and complex my trauma is, ketamine or psychedelic therapy is probably the best option to try next. The catch is it’s super expensive, so I decided to just start saving and hold off on trying to fix things until a later date. 

Fast forward a year, and I’m well respected within the company. I’m on several of the company’s largest, most high-profile projects. Things weren’t all sunshine and rainbows, though. They’d hired a new C level over sales who brought along his friends. Shortly after, my boss was demoted and moved to another department as part of a reorg so they could bring in a new VP with better credentials, who hired her BFF to be my team’s manager. Then people started disappearing here and there. I’d go to message someone, and their Slack was deactivated. I worried that I was on the chopping block as well, but everyone thought I was crazy. After a couple of months, I started to relax. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I wasn’t seeing red flag after red flag. Then they hired McKinsey and started going all in on AI. They tried to tell us not to worry, everyone is fine, they’re just here to help us move faster. Yeah right. I got the call on a Friday morning. Only two weeks of severance this time. 

This layoff hit different. My software development career is officially dead. Granted, I’ll have to stay in the field for a while longer until I figure a way out, but it’s dead. I’m so over it. My son’s job at Goodwill is more stable. I once dreamed of climbing the corporate ladder. Now that thought disgusts me. Such a silly dream, too. I wish I had realized it sooner. 

This time around, I started applying in earnest immediately. No fucking around with hopes and dreams. I started paying attention to the job market and applying here and there, when the red flags started flying, so I knew it was bad. Plus, with the tangerine testicle at the helm again, things were obviously gonna get worse. After a month of heavily applying, getting no response, no interviews, and finding all sorts of new scams, the panic began to set in once again. I started seeing more and more people post on Reddit and LinkedIn similar stories of repeated layoffs, cars getting repossessed, and people losing their homes. The unemployment landscape this time is different, more desperate. I only had enough in savings to last a few months. I had to let my car payment go to help it stretch further. My dear sweet Bertha. That was a rough realization to make. Thankfully, I still had my old car, Hakaru. She was supposed to go to my son when he got his license, but we ended up getting him an old Jeep named Pickles instead. I’d planned on selling Hakaru, but had been too lazy to clean her up and put her on the market. Probably one of the few times being lazy has paid off. I have a whole new appreciation for Hakaru now. She’s a trooper. Sitting in the driveway for a couple of years and only needed a new battery to crank right up. She needs some TLC before I’d feel comfortable going on a road trip or driving her a bunch, but I’m so grateful to have her. 

The next decision I made was to start the bakery again. I didn’t really take it seriously before. I put a lot of effort into the branding and overall concept as a fun creative outlet at the time, but I didn’t think about it as a real business opportunity. More just a hobby, I was able to make a little money in a time of need. This time I decided to take it seriously and poured my heart and soul into it. Refined the branding and concept, built a whole new website, updated and refined the menu, started posting on social media, etc. Statistically speaking, I’ve done great for a brand-new business. The roadside stands I did had astronomical conversion rates of the people that stopped, but I would’ve needed an abundance of people to stop in order for them to be worth the effort. If I had plenty of money and a waistline to spare to eat the leftovers, it probably would’ve paid off eventually, as more and more people saw me around and got curious enough to stop. But that’s unfortunately not the case, so I had to pivot. I decided to try the farmer’s market again. I almost sold out for the first time and was so excited. All of the feedback was amazing. Nice little confidence boost. Especially considering I’d only managed to get a couple of interviews that ended in disappointment so far. I even got a shipping order from a lady who saw one of my YouTube videos not long after I started the channel. She actually prompted a bit of an anxiety attack because she sent me an email gushing over how she thought I was surely gonna go viral. Going viral sounds amazing, but the reality of it makes me nervous. All I could think of was people standing in front of my house. Don’t like that idea at all. It never occurred to me that I could actually go viral. What an insane thought. Especially considering how bad I suck at social media. I’m not a very good on-camera personality. Way too self-conscious. My posts were seriously just me experimenting with different things while trying to get more comfortable with being on camera. The next thing I tried was a festival. I found one that was free; most of them were too expensive. I didn’t do as well at the festival as I’d hoped based on the number of people expected to attend, but I still made a small profit. And the reaction/feedback was fantastic again. Super encouraging and all around way more fun than the market. However, I stopped signing up for markets and festivals afterward. I was still driving Bertha since she hadn’t disappeared in the night yet, and I was worried about committing to something I wouldn’t be able to do. I can’t fit everything for my booth in Hakaru. I also reached the point where I’d have to invest a little more money into it to keep going. I made back the little bit of money I initially invested, plus some, but with money as tight as it is, it’s hard to justify investing more into it. Especially when markets and festivals are a bit of a gamble to begin with. I have to premake a bunch of stuff and hope it sells. I’d rather orders go through the website where they’re prepaid, but my conversion rate sucks there, despite consistently ranking in the top 3 for bakeries in my area from an SEO perspective. I have suspicions as to why that is, but I won’t be able to fully test that theory until I get out of the godforsaken, MAGA indoctrinated, bible belt. I suspect my website offends them greatly. I’ve only managed to get a few online orders from like-minded individuals who loved the site. The problem is, we’re few and far between around here. I’ve actually had better success getting custom order requests through the site than regular orders. I have one regular who gets a large cookie order once a month for her work. And I’ve done two custom cakes. One I was super stressed over because it was a two-tier, fancy 25th wedding anniversary cake. I thought for sure I’d fuck it up and ruin the lady’s day. It turned out amazing, though, and I taught myself how to make wafer paper flowers in the process. The other was just a simple hummingbird cake. All in all, I’m super proud of what I was able to accomplish with the bakery in such a short amount of time. It gave me hope that maybe I do have an escape route from software development. Whenever I finally find another day job, my plan is to pick it back up on the side. Keep it going this time instead of stopping, so maybe by the time I get laid off again or decide I can’t take software anymore, it’ll be a legitimate backup plan. 

Now we get to more shenanigans. About a month and a half ago, I got the best referral I’ve had for a job so far from a guy I used to work with who’s an executive with the company. WOO! You can’t ask for a better referral than that. I applied and got an interview request within a couple of days. I made it through all the rounds and was feeling really good about it. Then the ghosting started. The recruiter went from being responsive to non-existent. No communication and no response to my follow-ups asking for an update. I finally got a response after two weeks of radio silence, letting me know how sorry she was for the delays, explaining she had trouble getting everyone together to review and make a decision. Assured me there was a meeting scheduled the following Monday and she’d let me know one way or another that day. It’s now been two more weeks, and I still haven’t heard from her despite multiple follow-ups. I reached out to my old coworker at the beginning of this week to see if I needed to just take the hint and give up hope. He said he’d reach out and escalate if needed, but I haven’t heard back from him either. There’s nothing quite like having your entire life hanging in the balance, waiting on the decision of some assholes who can’t get their shit together or be respectful of people. This job would obviously be a complete shit show, but I desperately need it. The hope I had at the beginning of the interview process is pretty much gone. This job would’ve saved me from losing our home. My landlord is incredibly patient, but without a solid plan on how I can get caught up on rent, we’re gonna have to move out. Even if I do end up getting an offer, I fear it’s too late. That’s honestly my best-case scenario at this point. Get the job and work from a tent for a couple of months until I can afford a new place. Otherwise, the future is bleak. My biggest concern is losing my son, though. While I don’t have to worry about his dad anymore now that he’s an adult, I’ve failed him. I was supposed to help him get a jumpstart on life. Instead, he’s selling his collectibles, and we’re discussing the pros and cons of him sleeping in his jeep since he doesn’t like the tent idea. I don’t blame him. I’m not entirely fond of it either, but my options are limited. Temporary housing is limited and doesn’t allow pets. I’ll only rehome or surrender my pets as a last resort. That would break me. Judge me all you want, but my pets are family. The goal is for the tent situation to only be temporary. One saving grace is that I can work from anywhere as long as there’s wifi. I’ll be able to continue applying and hopefully find something soon. A cheap hotel or extended stay is also out of the question. We’re in peak tourist season here, so there really isn’t a cheap option close enough so my son can still get to and from work. From all the research I’ve done, camping seems the best option. I’ll be ok regardless of what happens. I’ve been through worse. I was really hoping I could avoid him getting slapped in the face with adulthood as I did. Help him ease into it instead. He’s been distant since I broke the news that I didn’t think things were gonna work out this time.

The only local assistance I haven’t used yet or tried is the food bank and going to a church. I’m pretty good at eating on a tight budget, so I figured I’d hold off on the food bank until I absolutely needed it. Churches are out of the question. I’ve lived in the bible belt long enough to know I’m not the right kind of person for them to help. I’d have to be willing to fake sharing their beliefs, and I just can’t do that. I’ve never been a believer, not to mention their religion goes hand in hand with their politics and blatant racism. I also grew up in a traditional Southern Christian household, so there’s church-related trauma. There’s nothing like growing up with horribly abusive people who were well-liked in the community simply because they were viewed as good Christians. 

I didn’t do DoorDash this time, even before dear sweet Bertha was taken. Gas prices are too high. It was barely worth it before, much less now. I’ve applied for a bunch of hourly jobs that aren’t restaurant work that I think I could handle from an anxiety perspective, but no response from any of them. I’m not surprised. I assume they see my work history and know I’d only stay until I could find something else that paid better. I’ve also responded to NextDoor posts from people looking for help with things, but again, no response. I even tried seeing if any small businesses needed help building a website. I got a bunch of responses with people seemingly excited about it, so I threw together a quick website with the cheapest pricing in the area. Not a single person responded to me after I sent the link with all the info. I could’ve gone harder on the sales pitch, I suppose, but I kind of ran out of oomph when it comes to trying to start a new business. My notary license is still valid, so I considered trying that again, but I can’t really be a mobile notary if I don’t have a reliable vehicle. It’s great that Hakaru runs but she needs some maintenance before I’d be willing to drive her all over the place. I keep an eye out for people looking for a notary on NextDoor, but have only seen one post over the past few months, and she’d already found someone by the time I messaged her. 

I’ve reached the point where I’m preparing for the worst while hoping for the best. I found a guy giving away free moving boxes the other day, so I’ve started packing. The important stuff will go in storage. The rest will hopefully get sold at a garage sale. I don’t have much, but I need every little bit of money I can get at this point.

I started a GoFundMe. If you're able to help, I'd greatly appreciate it.

https://gofund.me/237fe3716